You were never the man of my dreams

For six and a half years

I never had a single dream about you.

You see, you dream about the things you wished you had, your unattained desires.

I had no reason to dream about you, because you were my reality.

You were my life.

At more moments than I would like to admit, you gave me reason.

Reason for anything.

To wake up, to eat, to smile, to hurt, to cry. You were everything to me.

You were my biggest heartache, and my one and true and only love.

You were my enemy, but also my best friend.

And though you made me physically sick at times, the thought of not having you in my life made me not want to live.

I didn’t dream about you, because you were everything I ever wanted.

Why dream about something you already have?

I didn’t dream about you until the night you told me you were no longer in love with me.

How you tried to rationalize the situation to me was unfair.

You hate when I ask a question more than once that you’ve already answered.

The problem is that in your inconsistencies, you somehow neglected to tell me that your feelings for me have changed.

So while I trusted you were a man of your word, your words had changed and I was the last to know.

You tried to tell me I had to know, we had grown apart for quite some time now.

It’s not fair. Just because you decided to let your flame die for me doesn’t mean mine did.

I accepted that you didn’t love me anymore, but I didn’t accept the bull that you tried to feed me trying to convince me that you were doing this for me because I deserve “better” than what you could give me.

If I deserved better, why couldn’t you just be better for me? Better to me?

Even through all of our nearly intolerable struggles, I held on each day knowing that because we were in love with each other, we could work through any problem because we were in this together.

For six and a half years I believed that we would someday figure things out and live out our happy ending, until you revealed to me you were no longer in love with me.

All I could wonder was for how long did you know you were no longer in love with me?

What’s so bad about me that I am undeserving of your love?

I never thought there was anyone else. Honestly, I don’t think anyone else would deal with your crap.

We both royally messed up.

I mean ROYALLY.

But we were in love, and love meant something.

My mom always told me you can work through anything in your relationship if the man isn’t putting his hands on you. Everything else is fixable. I thought we were fixable.

Even though we had forgiven each other of our past transgressions, the residue of our sins was still very present on our hands.

And on our hearts.

I told you alright, but then I thought some more about it.

And then all I could do was cry. And cry. And cry.

It was the most bittersweet moment I can ever recall in my complete duration on this planet.

I was free, but I was also broken.

I had a new life, but I also died.

I had asked God to give me an answer, and it was exactly what I asked for, but it ripped my heart out of my chest and trampled on it, put it in a food processor, then down the sewer, then lit of fire.

And I told you that this hurt so bad, but meant so much. That I was heartbroken, but so happy because I finally knew for sure we were done. I could let go. I could find new love.

And you responded that just because you fell out of love with me didn’t me you could fall back in love.

What!? Don’t play this game! Either you are in love with me or you aren’t!

The first time I dreamed about you was the night you told me you were no longer in love with me.

I dreamt that I was with another man.

Somehow, I had invited the two of you to the same event; not thinking both of you would show up.

As soon as I walked in arm in arm with this new guy, I turned to my left and saw you.

I dropped his arm and ran to you.

You were so upset to see me with someone else.

I begged you to talk to me.

The thing about this man is that he was not an ordinary man, he looked just like you.

That even in my dreams, I can’t picture myself being with anyone except you.

I woke up to a panic attack.

My heart was beating so fast it didn’t even feel like it was taking a pause between beats.

Like it was one long pounding beat that would not stop.

Nervous, I was literally worried I was dying.

Even the thought of losing you in my dreams is unbearable.

At this point, I’m trying to learn how to live without you in reality.

I never thought dreaming of you for the first time would be my worst nightmare.